Well I wondered how long it would take me to cock up the whole ‘posting schedule’ thing. Turns out it was like two weeks. In all fairness I was moving into my new flat yesterday and frankly had better things to do (like watching everyone walk their dogs outside my window) but still.
I’m one of those people who kind of gives the impression that they have their shit together. I reckon it’s because historically I’ve not been the most talkative of people so everyone assumes that what I have lacked in social skills I make up for in shit togetherness. This really isn’t the case.
Don’t get me wrong, I make a mean revision schedule. I can plan with the best of them. I’m just horrific when it comes to execution. Of course, theres a teeny bit of a reason. I have one of those SpLD thingys (you know, dyslexia, dyspraxia etc) which means my visual and auditory processing speed is in the first percentile (that’s the bad one). I’m actually moderately proud of it, I mean if you’re going to be slow, you might as well be the slowest you can possibly be. This naturally clashes with my pathological desire for perfection and tends to culminate in me doing one thing really bloody well and twelve million things shoddily. It doesn’t matter that I had it all planned out. It doesn’t matter that I used one of my revision days actually making that plan. I will plough through my list of topics until I have done them one at a time.
“Why don’t you just spread your time evenly, that would solve everything!” I hear you cry. Good point. It’s never going to bloody happen, but good point. You see, every time (and I mean every. single. time.) I convince myself that this time will be the time that I work so hard that I get everything done. I convince myself that I will somehow be able to rewire my own brain and fix myself just through sheer stubbornness. It doesn’t work.
Don’t get me wrong, if I’m being honest with myself this isn’t the only reason I don’t have my shit together but if I blame my brain then I don’t have to actually improve myself and become an actual adult. For example, I have been telling everyone that I’m going to have a regular bedtime to regulate my sleep-wake cycle for about two years now. I get close during exam season (if going to bed at 2AM and waking up at 8AM counts) but the second I don’t have a ‘reason’ I sleep for about 13 hours a day and turn off all my alarms. You’re probably thinking that this is because I don’t get enough sleep during the exam season and need to recover (and you’re not wrong) but tell me what my excuse is when it’s this still happening nearly 4 months later (which I have literally spent doing nothing).
I don’t really have any nice rounded concluding paragraph for this. In an ideal world I’d be telling you how I’ve turned my life around and can now be a rational, functional member of society. The closest I’ve gotten is the major life choice that is keeping cut flowers in a vase in my room (because I’ve seen other people do it and it seems adulty). I also have a fruit bowl. So there’s that.