Anxiety is weird

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My brain is a bit odd. It’s been odder, I suppose, and a tad more self destructive, but it’s still a bit of a mess sometimes.

One of my favourite brain quirks is my Anxiety. I can sometimes go for days without it trying to make itself known but eventually it pops up and reminds me that it exists just to keep me on my toes. I’ll give you an example.

I start back at vet school in two weeks and a couple of days ago they sent out equipment lists (you know, lab coats, stethoscopes etc). Everything was going great until I stumbled across the phrase ‘firm closed shoes’. Right, so I know they probably meant steel toe capped wellies or something along those lines but the lack of specificity made my brain go weird.

I found myself lying in bed on multiple occasions thinking about all the types of shoes that were both firm and closed, and whether I had missed an email that specifically outlined the exact type of shoe. I started thinking about turning up to a practical wearing my wellies and having everyone look at me because my wellies weren’t the right wellies. And isn’t the ‘firmness’ of something kind of subjective anyway?

Now, guys, I’ve done the whole CBT thing so I know that this thought process was, to give it the clinical term, bloody weird. In fact it was so weird that I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. I’m about to move into a new flat, into a cohort full of people I don’t know, back into the world of exams and stress and results and a crippling fear of failure. But, all I could/can think about is the type of shoe I need for one particular practical (and, yes, I have heard of displacement but this is the type of random crap that my brain fixates on so leave me alone).

Obviously, it’s not always fun, but I think there’s something to be said for being able to recognise your brain trying to screw you over just because it’s bored. Also, I’m about to cram my brain with information, pull all nighters in the library and probably stare at screens for 80% of the day so I will have my revenge. On myself. Yeah not too sure about the logic on this one …